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Driven by Kim, Part 2

My brothers' destructive path had found me (and not just me) sometimes wishing he would just finish it off already. Just kill yourself or get killed quickly and end all the mayhem, I'd thought. My parents had said it aloud…

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Drugs (and not so drugs)

Drugs (and not so drugs)
Chocolate: Takes the edge off. Puts the fog on. Sometimes convinced that it makes
life worth living. Regret typically follows. First thing I stole was a Nestles
Crunch bar. Last thing before typing this was…

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ClearView

I was driving from a place to another place and my eyes were tightly closed.
Twenty one year old me. Toward Jamaica on the Clearview Expressway. Devoid of hope and needing a break. Making deals with myself and with god…

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Stealing Magazines

I steal magazines.
I guess I should explain.
As a child, while sitting in any number of waiting rooms with my mother, she came to a point in the sitting when she adjusted her posture, looked around the room and…

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Sharing life with the dead.

I miss my family every day. I imagine chance encounters where I get to show them life as I know it. Life as it happens now, after they've left. I show them around. Point out my kids. I say, there…

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Crying for Fifty Years

I always expect that I'll feel something on my birthday. Feel different.  
Especially big ones. This is a big one. Fifty.
But it feels a whole lot like turning thirty. Or twenty six. Or forty two. Or
maybe like it…

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Was it Dad's fault?

A few weeks before my dads last hospitalization....the one to rehab the hip he would break.....the one where his heart would finally stop...I picked him up and drove him to Beth David Cemetary to visit Kim's grave. Mom had been…

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Father.

My first son is 11 today.  
He's a magnificent being. I'm so very in love.
We're buddies and talk a lot about our lives. Might even share this with him. 
We'll see.
He's passionate and creative and asks me to…

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On Corys Rooftop

I was fourteen and Kenny was seventeen and kind. He was a charachter...loved guns and knives, raised by his single mom. We hung out all that summer.
He'd met this girl who was in between our ages and early one…

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Long live Johnny

Jonny was always smiling. He was flabby and had shiny black hair, long and parted in the middle. His nose was nice....long and sloped up into a point. He was a year or two younger than me and always with…

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Jerry's sweater

During high school I did weekend shifts shifts at a sweater warehouse where my girlfriend, Donna had worked for years. Her family was oddly enmeshed with the owners. Donna's Polish immigrant mother would bring home locally milled sweaters and…

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New Year. New Me.

New Years and birthdays used to regularly be my worst days . Rather than reflecting on accomplishments or good times I could only use them as a time to obsess on all the things I had not done. All those…